BAND JOKES
Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
A: Evidently all of them.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A Drummer.
Q: How do you keep a trombonist from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: Why are violinist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his volume?
A: Put music in front of him.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
Q: What's the best thing to play on guitar?
A: Solitaire.
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: The timpanist turned the bass player's peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
Q: How do you make a keyboard player play softer?
A: Take his chart away.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: Why are there four strings on a bass?
A: Three are spares.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A: You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
A: The bass player notices.
Q: When is it time for a bass solo?
A: When the drummer and pianist start talking about football.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one -- all the rest are true!!
Q: What's the difference between a sound man and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a sound man.
Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: How do you tell you are at a Bluegrass show?
A: If there are more people on the stage than in the audience.
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: If a drummer and a musician caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A: The cab driver.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: A Buick with five entertainment lawyers in it went over a cliff. Everyone was killed. Do you know the saddest part?
A: A Buick holds six.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, but can play guitar, bass, keyboards, drums, and sings?
A: You call him "Stump, the band".
Q: What do you call a drummer without a band?
A: A soundman.
Q: One music journalist to the other, "Have you heard the new **** album?".
A: "No, I hated it".
Q: How many booking agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ......listen, I'll call you back next week if I have an answer.
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Year's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
Q: Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down they're all very nice people.
Q: What is the difference between a drum line playing together and shoes in a dryer?
A: Nothing.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
Q: What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Q: What does it mean when drool rolls out of both sides of the drummer's mouth?
A: The stage is level.
Q: What is the definition of "perfect pitch."?
A: When you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it lands on a banjo.
Q: Did you hear about the guitar player who was in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His Amp.
Q: How many female singers does it take to sing "Crazy"?
A: Apparently, all of them.
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint?
A: Have them read off the same part.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer is at the front door?
A: The knock gets faster.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What does the guitar player say when he gets to work?
A: “Would you like fries with that, sir?"
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the sound.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What do you do when a musician knocks on your door?
A: Give him the money and take the pizza.
Q: What's the definition of Perfect Pitch?
A: When the banjo doesn't hit the side of the dumpster.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: How is a savings bond like a musician?
A: Eventually it may mature and make some money.
Q: What should you do if you run over a guitar player?
A: Back up.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.
Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a folk singer?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Q: How many punk rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the guitar player has to show him how to do it.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, 1 to change the light bulb and 4 to keep the guitarist from hogging all the light.
Q: If you drop an entertainment lawyer and a trombone off a building, what do you get?
A: Applause.
Q: What does a good entertainment lawyer weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not including the urn.
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on an entertainment lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
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Q: How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't know how to change a light bulb, but they'll find something wrong with how you do it.
Q: What's the inscription on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11: one to change to light bulb, and 10 to stand around and tell you how Steve Gadd would have done it.
Q: How do you know a lead singer is at your door?
A: He always forgets his key and he comes in at the wrong time.
Q: How do you get a drummer to play his/her drums?
A: Start tuning your guitar.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
This lad's posh Aunt comes to visit, and she says, "Johnny, what would you like to be when you grow up?" Johnny thinks for a few seconds and says, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a drummer." His Aunt looks at him and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, but you can't do both."
